Time MachineTM
by Midna Hytwilian
Summary: Crack-fic. During an average night, Jane, Midna, and Serenity encounter Minish Vaati-whom Sere had brought back with the Time Machine TM in a big conspiracy. Jane and Midna try to protect the young Minish, but, what will happen as they mess with time?
1. Wrong, Wrong, WRONG

A/N: Had a fantastic night RPing with my friend-considered my aunt-last night. Thus was this fanfic born. :D It's great to see how much one small action can change everything else. Also, this follows my origin story.

Disclaimer: All I own is Beth and myself. Most is owned by Tim Burton, Steven Spielburg, Nintendo, the guys who made Men In Black, Barbie, Ouran High School Host Club, some comic off of deviantart involving Ganondorf, the youtube Vaati tribute "He is not one of us…" by Vgurl76, Kingdom Hearts Abridged, and my friends owning themselves… The Time Machine™ belongs to Jane.

--

It all began one quiet night, a group of girls sitting down at a white table in a perfectly white room.

There sit three brunets, each with glasses. One had blue eyes, the others brown.

The blue eyed girl wore a black jacket with a skull on the back that covered her shirt. She grinned as she put down a royal flush on the table. "I win."

The two brown eyed girls stared at her in confusion.

One had tan skin while the other was quite pale. The tan one wore a Kingdom Hearts II shirt and cocked her head to the side in confusion.

The other wore a Zelda shirt, laughing. "Jane, we're playing Blackjack."

Jane, the blue eyed girl, became confused. "We are? Damn it, I fold!"

And then, the Kingdom Hearts girl fell to the floor laughing.

"Sere, get the fuck up!" The Zelda girl ordered, kicking her in the ribs.

"Screw you, Mids! Hey…what's that?" Serenity stopped laughing, looking under the table.

Midna stopped kicking and peeked under the table with Jane. "Huh, it's a Minish."

"I'm gonna kick it!" Serenity crawled under the table and a discomforting squish sounded.

The girls paid no attention to it as Serenity let out a maniacal laugher.

Sere stood up suddenly and started walking out of the room. "I'm hungry. Be right back."

The door closed shut.

Eventually, the two girls had quit their game and gotten into a conversation about a video game. The topic soon turned into an outrageous joke of the main character, Midna's fiancé, being bi-sexual.

It soon took a turn to an epic quest. "HE FUCKED VAATI, LINEBECK, SHAD, DARK LINK, SHADOW LINK, AND ZANT ONCE AT THE SAME TIME! I GOT IT ON TAPE!" Midna shouted at the top of her lungs, producing said tape of a drunken Link doing some things he'd regret at a later date.

She placed it in a television set as Jane watched her in horror.

Suddenly, as the tape was playing, Midna began to sob. "Jane, is something wrong about this scene?"

Jane, being scared of what she was watching, replied meekly. "…You mean, besides the fact that you're watching yaoi porn, right?"

"Jane!" The girl shouted quite epically. "Look at who is missing!"

Jane nodded. "I know whose filming."

"No, my best friend was filming. How else do you think I got the vid?"

"Oooooh….maybe that was when we were…" She drifted off.

Midna sighed. "No, Jane, this isn't the time you charged Vaati for sex. I've watched this before and he was _always _there. Fuck, pun intended, he started licking Link ad Shad's chests!!!! AND THEN HE STARTED LICKING SHADOW'S EARS! It was scary, but, he was there!"

A look of horror crossed the older girl's face at the information.

"Jane, do you know _**why **_he is not there anymore?"

"Why, too many guys?"

"Don't you remember what happened earlier?!"

"No…"

She bent down to the floor near one of the white walls and pulled off a flat as a pancake Minish Vaati. "Sere kicked Minish Vaati!"

A blank look came over Jane's face.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING!"

Jane got an irritated face.

"THERE'S NO PULSE! HE'S **DEAD**!!!!" she sobbed. "THEREFORE, ALL HISTORY WITH HIM HAS BEEN ERASED, MINUS OUR BADASS MEMORIES!!!!! Well, all history after his death...BUT YOU GET THE POINT!"

"Yeah, LET'S GO INTO MY TIME MACHINE!" Jane suddenly jumped into a random Time Machine™.

"WE MUST SAVE MINISH VAATI FROM HIS DEMISE AND THUS BRING BACK BADASS VAATI!" Midna heroically stood on the table.

"Let's go!"

Midna hopped off the table, suddenly realizing that Jane had suggested using a Time Machine™. "Damn it, Jane, I was going to suggest that!"

The Time Machine™ suddenly left and came right back, Midna hopping out after Jane, "Damn it, Jane, I told you not to press in a two!"

Jane ignored her and put the porn video back on. Seeing everyone back in their proper place, she smiled smugly. "There, all better."

Midna got to her knees and yelled at the top of her lungs," NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," she took a deep breath. She jumped back into the Time Machine™ without Jane and kicked Minish Vaati herself, hopped back into the Time Machine™, came back, and made sure the tape no longer contained Vaati.

Jane gave her an irritated look.

"We must go on an epic quest, first." Midna shrugged.

Jane continued giving her the irritated look.

She once again stood up on the table heroically and proclaimed-in quite a heroic voice- "NOW, ONTO OUR EPIC QUEST TO SAVE MINISH VAATI'S LIFE!"

Jane stared at her, still with that irritated look, and responded, "Bitch."

She glared at her, continuing. "FINE, YOU CONTROL THE MACHINE!"

Midna jumped off the table and squealed, "Yay!"

Jane sighed, shaking her head. "I fear I may regret those words."

She jumped into the Time Machine™ with Jane, sending them both back ten minutes before the incident.

She began to whisper to her friend, hiding behind a bookshelf in the room. "Now, we mustn't be seen by ANYONE!" She suddenly perked up. "Oh! Look, there's Minish Vaati heading towards his demise!" Midna pointed to the little Minish heading towards the table. "WE MUST SAVE _HIM_!!!!"

On the final word, she jumped into the air and tackled him.

**SPLAT!**

Past Midna, Jane, and Serenity glanced at the odd scene playing out before them while the Time Machine™ Jane simply sighed at Midna.

"…Damn it." Midna muttered.

Jane dragged her off into the Time Machine™ and sent them five minutes before those five minutes. "Let's try this again!" Jane said in a sing-song voice.

"Okay, so, here's the plan!" Midna began in a very loud voice. "I'll tell him not to go to his demise and then _**you **_tackle him."

Jane shrunk down to Minish-size, ignoring Midna.

Midna gave her another option, haven't yet realized that her friend was small. "Or kiss his little cheek. Whichever works best for you."

In a squeaky little voice from the floor, Jane pumped her fist in the air. "Yeah, bitch!"

Without a word, Midna went Minish-size with her. "LET US GLOMP HIM!"

The two glomped him.

**SPLAT!**

"DAMN IT, HOW DID HE GO SPLAT THIS TIME?!" Midna shouted.

Jane looked shocked and replied quietly, "No clue."

"Let's try this _**AGAIN**_!!!" Midna dramatically yelled.

They went back again.

Midna shrunk back to Minish-size…again. Her squeaky voice drifted up to Jane. "Bitchass, get movin'," she ordered.

Jane rolled her eyes and stayed at her normal height. She harshly walked over to Past Serenity, grabbed her by the arm-ignoring the stares she got from Past Midna and Past Jane-opened the door, and tossed her out, slamming the door shut behind her.

A rather loud, "What the fuck" sounded from outside the door.

"Now grab Vaati, bitch!" Jane ordered.

"You moron, I said don't get seen!" Midna shouted in her squeaky voice. "FINE!"

She yanked Minish Vaati by the arm and into the Time Machine™, going back to the present.

Jane, being far too busy erasing memories with the MIB Mind Eraser Thingy™, was left behind. "You will remember nothing. You only tripped on your shoelace while Vaati ran away." She pulled out the button and then pressed it. Jazz stood there for just a second, confused, and then walked right back into the room.

Midna suddenly realized something. "Oh crap, I forgot Jane."

She then broke into laughter. "Aw well! I'm sure she'll be okay."

All of a sudden, Jane walked into the room, furious, "BITCH, YOU _**LEFT **_ME TO DIE?!"

Midna held her hands up in defense. "It was an accident, I swear!" Her eyes shifted suspiciously.

Serenity walked into the room just as Midna smiled down sweetly at Minish Vaati. "So, I saved your life. Now you can be in that porn video!"

Minish Vaati gave her a worried and confused look. "What? W-who are you?"

She just shrugged. "Your worst nightmare-at a later date, I swear. Right now, I'm your mommy."

Serenity, not knowing what the hell was going on and who the hell her friend was talking to, sweat dropped.

Minish Vaati gave her a confused look. "My mommy is my mommy. You're not my mommy, Mommy."

"Whoa, that's a lot of mommies…" Midna murmured to herself.

"I'M THE LADY WHO'LL KILL YOU AT A LATER DATE…but right now I'm your sissy." Realization finally fell to Serenity.

"And I'm Jane." Jane greeted.

Midna, having Serenity's words sink in now, shouted quite loudly. "DON'T KILL HIM, DAMN IT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SAVE HIM IN THE PAST WHEN YOU KILLED HIM?! I LEFT JANE IN THE PAST-!"

"Yay," Serenity cut her off.

"PEOPLE **DIED**."

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," she cried out, longer this time.

Serenity suddenly kicked Minish Vaati into a wall.

"DAMN IT! FUCKING DAMN IT!" Midna shouted.

"Go back and save him!" Jane commanded.

"DAMN DAMN DAMN IT," she continued as she entered the Time Machine™ and went back in time before Serenity had randomly kicked him.

She tackled Minish Vaati right before Sere could kick him and….

**SPLAT!**

"WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP TACKLING HIM IN THIS SIZE?!" she shouted in frustration.

She went back again, rescued Minish Vaati by pushing Jazz away and into a trash can and then jumped back into the Time Machine™ to the present.

"Haha," she laughed triumphantly.

Serenity popped out of the trash can and looked at Minish Vaati with eager eyes. "Hey, is that a soccer ball?!" She vanished in a puff of smoke.

She suddenly reappeared and went to kick Vaati when Jane jumped in front of him.

"Bitch, I beat you." Jane gave a smug grin.

"Bitch, I wanted to play soccer!"

Minish Vaati gave a cute smile before speaking. "Thank you, Jane. What were we talking about?"

Serenity shrugged, sitting back down on the table. "We were going to have scones and tea. Would you guys like some?"

"Mmm, yummy," Midna and Jane sat down, placing Minish Vaati on the table.

Sere began to hand out scones and tea as Midna placed a crumb-that would be the size of a regular scone to a Minish-in front of Vaati. She grabbed out a small Barbie cup and filled it with the tea from her cup before handing it to him.

"There you go, sweetie."

"It's hot, be careful." Jane directed as Serenity gave an innocent smile.

Minish Vaati smiled widely at them. "Thank you," he blew on his tea.

"Welcome!" Sere exclaimed.

"He's so adorable!" Midna squealed. "He's like Honi! Look at that cute face!"

He looked up at them with a dirty face.

"Isn't that just adorable?! It makes me want to go Minish-sized and pinch his cute wittle cheeks!" she continued.

"Oh, don't tell anyone, but, we were outta sugar. So, I put this funny smelling spice labeled 'Poison' in the tea and scones." Serenity smiled innocently once more.

Midna was thankful no one had ate the scones or drank any of the tea ye…t…"Oh shit."

Jane was already Minish-sized, hugging Minish Vaati while giving him anti-venom.

He suddenly went limp in her arms.

"DAMN IT!" Midna cried out for the umpteenth time that day.

"I beat that!" Jane sobbed.

"WHAT THE FUCK," she continued to curse.

"He's only unconscious!"

"WHY," she sobbed.

"I gave him Anti-venom!!"

Minish Vaati suddenly bolted up and squeezed Jane. "Thank you!"

Maniacal laughter erupted from Midna and lightened flashed in the background, thunder booming as the Song of Storms played. "IT'S ALIVE!!!!"

Serenity cocked her head to the side. "What's poison?"

She was flat out ignored.

"Deadly." Jane answered.

"Is it something _BAD_?!?"

Jane gave her one of the classic irritated looks. "Yes, VERY bad."

"Whoops."

"It's okay, sissy. I still love you." Minish Vaati smiled sweetly up at her.

Serenity, her eyes shifting suspiciously, suddenly kicked Minish Vaati…again.

"DAMN IT! HE LOVED YOU LIKE A SISTER, DAMN IT! YOU KILLED HIM, AGAIN!"

"BITCH," Jane shouted.

"WHY," Midna asked.

"He looks like a soccer ball." Serenity smiled.

On her knees-still in Minish-sized-Jane shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" dramatically.

Midna went into the Time Machine™, went Minish-sized this time, and tackled Vaati before he could get kicked.

Serenity pouted, crossing her arms. "Am I the only one _not _Minish-sized, now?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Midna shrugged.

Serenity looked down at the tiny people. "Don't stand under me." She ordered bitterly and sat down.

"Fuck this." Midna sighed, grabbing Minish Vaati. She went back to normal size, Minish Vaati next to herr.

"Where's the table," Minish Vaati's eyes widened in shock as he hadn't noticed yet.

"It disappeared. Poof," Serenity made a gesture with her hands.

"Right next to you," Midna groaned.

He glanced next to him, his eyes still wide. "Why is it so small?"

"Cause you're so big."

"We had to grow you to save you." Jane explained.

Serenity nodded. "I'm gonna go make cake!" She left the room to go to the kitchen.

Minish Vaati screamed in terror as Jane pulled out all of the Anti-venom.

At first, the two presumed he was just afraid he'd be poisoned again, but…

"I'M BIG!" He continued to scream.

"When you're out of danger, we'll return you." Jane hurriedly told him as she hugged him-now normal size.

"Man that kid has a strong set of lungs…"

"I'm scared." Minish Vaati sobbed.

"Awwwww!!!"

"We're here!" Jane promised.

Midna joined in the huge. "Don't worry, sweetie!" She turned to Jane, whispering quietly. "Do you think this will affect his childhood?"

Jane whispered also, "Maybe."

Suddenly, a random lantern from a random Poe fell and broke on an ant, thus setting the ant on fire.

Minish Vaati sobbed harder. "NOT MR. FREDRICKSON!"

Jane covered his eyes. "Shit."

"This is bad."

He squeezed Jane, still crying. "I WANT MY MOMMY, I WANT EZLO, AND I WANT MR. YUMMISON!"

"Mr. Yummison…," Midna would have laughed hadn't it of been for the fact that it was not the proper moment to and the kid was having a mental break down.

Although she did cackle quietly to herself, I'll never let Vaati get away with that one."

He sobbed harder, "MY STUFFED RABBIT!"

Jane held him closer. "It's okay; we'll get you back as soon as possible."

Midna handed him a teddy bear. "Here's my stuffed animal. You can borrow him."

He sniffled and stopped squeezing Jane, looking up at the two of them. "You mean it?"

"Yes." They spoke in unison.

The room got silent and Midna popped in a video in the flat screen TV.

The video came on. "Is that me…?"

"Oh crap, the keyblade, I mean, uh…No, it isn't you, Vaati…?" Midna desperately tried to make him believe.

Another picture popped up in the video. "That IS me! And some other guy was next to me, too!"

Midna chuckled a bit despite the situation.

"READY TO GO HOME, VAATI," Jane called out loudly. It was a desperate attempt to get him to shut up.

"Why am I there and who are those other people…?" Minish Vaati didn't seem to notice her. Another image: "WHY DO I HAVE MASTER EZLO'S CAP?!"

"Cause you're awesome!" Midna exclaimed.

"We can take you home now!" Jane tried once more and covered his eyes. "We can take you home now. Your stuffed rabbit, remember?"

Despite having his eyes covered, he continued to ask questions about pictures he had ALREADY seen. "Why was I screaming and why was that man there again?"

"Whoops…?" Midna smiled innocently at Jane's sinister glare. "Jane, help me out here?"

"HOME, HOME, HOME, HOME!" Jane yelled.

"I don't wanna go home, yet! I wanna know what that was!"

"THIS IS NOT BEETLEJUICE, DAMN IT, JANE!" Midna cried out.

"HOME, what about your bunny?! He's in terrible danger when you're away!"

"He'll be okay!" He desperately tried to get us to answer his questions.

"He needs you to protect him!"

Jane pulled out the MIB Memory Eraser Thingy™ and used it on Vaati.

Minish Vaati sniffled. "Why aren't you guys answering me? I thought you'd listen!"

"Damn it, Jane, don't use it on the kid! You can fuck him up!" Midna ignored him.

"Too late," Jane shrugged. She turned to the boy. "You know of nothing. All you know of is Yoate Yumym Foodu."

Minish Vaati went on as if she hadn't pulled the thing out. "And I thought you guys loved me!" he cried, feeling lonely.

"We DO! Just calm the fuck down!"

Jane's words only made things worse. He broke down into sobs.

The irritated look of doom overcame Jane's face and she walked off, going to kill herself.

"Wait…why the fuck isn't the eraser thingy not working?"

"I don't know!" Minish Vaati sobbed.

"DAMN IT, JANE, DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME! I NEED YOUR HELP!" Midna stomped off to where Jane was standing on a chair, grabbing out a rope from her pocket and got ready to tie the noose.

"I'm going off to kill myself, bitch. You made him watch the tribute video."

"I-I," hiccupping, "I thought this was all going so well!" he sobbed harder.

"It was an accident!" Midna's eyes shifted.

Jane started to tie her own noose as Midna grabbed out the MIB Memory Eraser Thingy™ and used it on Jane. "You made him watch the tribute and will never commit suicide. We are now trying to calm down Minish Vaati."

Jane glanced at her with a dry look. "Oh fuck you. I was desensitized on that, YEARS ago!" She finished her own noose.

"Damn!"

She flashed it once more. "You made him watch the tribute and will never commit suicide. We are now trying to calm down Minish Vaati."

This time, it worked. She pumped her fist in the air. "Take that, bitches!"

Jane hugged the young Vaati. "It'll be okay."

Minish Vaati walked over to the noose and went to put his head in it, sobbing. "Nobody loves me!"

"Damn it, Vaati!"

"I'm not really sure what you watched, but, don't worry! DAMN IT!" Jane finally realized what he was going to do and took the noose away. "THINK LIKE A VILLAIN!"

The young boy gave her a confused face.

"Damn it, Jane!"

"I just said think like one."

"Why would I do that?" he sniffled.

"Because it makes you stronger," Jane shrugged.

"That's not true! Villains always lose and die lonely! And mommy doesn't like villains." he defended.

Realization dawned on Midna. "Ahhhh, good call, Jane," she winked.

"Cats are villains and they have little baby kittens and a mate." Jane protested.

Minish Vaati shivered at the thought of cats.

"Where the fuck are you going with this? What the fuck about cats?" Midna asked. She let it sink in for a second. "Oh, I get it now."

Jane stood up on the table and got into a heroic pose. "THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF!" she bellowed before lowering her arm and murmuring quietly in a defeated voice, "…and spiders."

"True that, Jane." Midna nodded.

"B-b-but, cats aren't _really _villains. There are some good cats and even the mean cats are just doing what's in their instincts!"

"Exactly, not all villains are trying to be evil! Just better themselves." Jane declared.

"So villains aren't really villains, either, because it's in their instincts and to some people they're not REALLY villains."

"Yup," Jane nodded along.

"So…there's no such thing as a villain?" he questioned.

"Precisely," the girls spoke in unison with grins on their faces.

It was a very philosophical chat that they both seemed to agree on.

"Cause, even the bad guy is loved by _**SOMEONE**_." Midna explained.

"Yup," Jane nodded once more.

"I can't wait to tell Mommy!" He started to skip off and stopped. "Oh…" he broke into sobs. "I'm too big to tell Mommy!!!"

Jane shrunk him back down to Minish-sized. "Go ahead, little Minish Vaati and tell your Mommy of your new learnings."

"Thank you, big weird lady!" He hugged her toe before skipping off.

"That was awesome." Midna sighed.

Jane grabbed her noose and got back up on the chair. "Well, I'm done!"

Midna pointed a stern finger at her. "NO!"

Jane sighed, getting off her chair, and looked longingly at the noose. "Soon, my pet, soon…." She pets it before putting it back in her pocket.

Suddenly, a look of horror crossed Midna's face. "Oh crap."

Jane, thinking it was about her petting the rope, shrugged.

"Jane…"

"Middy…"

"Sere brought Vaati to this time, right…?"

"I guess…."

"And we just let Minish Vaati go skip off to his home….in _**THIS **_timeline."

"WAIT, NO, IT'S OKAY!"

"HOW," the girl cried out in distress.

"REMEMBER, WE MET HIM IN DISNEYLAND WITH REGULAR VAATI IN **THIS** TIME PERIOD!?"

"YES, BUT, THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING AROUND WITH THE TIME!"

"Shit."

Jane dragged her back in time as Midna continued to ramble on.

"JANE, IN THIS TIME, HIS MOTHER IS ALREADY DEAD!" Midna's eyes widened as she realized something. "Oh…wait…"

"Mommy…" His eyes watered up.

"Oh crap."

"I AM NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN!" Jane shouted just as Minish Vaati began to sob.

"No, no, no, she was talking about someone else's mommy! Trust me."

He sniffled, nodding. "Okay."

Midna turned away from Jane's glare. "Min- Vaati, we, er, need to uh…."

"Let's take you back to your timeline, 'kay? Come on."

"Okay…" he followed them to the Time Machine™.

Jane sighed after taking Vaati back to the CORRECT FUCKING TIMELINE.

"Oh, Jane, before we head back, there's something I have to do! Would you care to join me?" Midna hugged her friend.

"Sure." Jane yawned.

The two began walking of the Minish Woods.

"'Kay, so, we gotta go to Castle Town and wait for his Mom there. When she gets there, we gotta step on her. Got it?"

"Okay."

The two skipped the rest of the way and in a few minutes, they were sitting on a bench.

Midna dangled her feet back and forth while singing. "There's a Minish, there's a Minish, everywhere a Minish Minish. Oh, there's Beth!" She pointed to a small female Minish making her way through Castle Town.

Jane stepped on her just as Midna jumped off the bench.

"Damn it, I wanted to do that…"

Jane looked down to see she fell into a crack uncrushed.

"Meh, she'll probably die. She's in a crack, like, how long is she going to survive THAT?" Midna scoffed.

Jane shrugged as the two entered the Time Machine™. "Oh well. Someone else will get her."

The two arrived back in the present of the house they all lived in. Midna flew open the door of the dining room-that being the white room. "VAATI, YA DOUCHE, WHERE ARE YA?!"

"What's the matter, sissy? Are you okay?" A voice called out.

The two glanced back to find a Minish on the table, frowning in concern, and that Minish so happened to be Vaati.

"Oh. Holy. Fucking. Shit." Jane gasped.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT!" Midna shouted.

"Kill. Me. Now."

"NO!" Midna grabbed the noose away from Jane. "VAATI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT SMALL, CUTE, AND NICE?! WHY?!"

She checked the porn video. "DAMN IT, HE'S NOT THERE!"

"Why are you guys yelling? Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly.

"NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT, DAMN IT! TURN ME TO STONE OR SOMETHING! GO ALL BADASS ON MY ASS! GO BIG! DO SOMETHING!!!!"

Jane began to sob. "Why aren't you a douche, WHY, CRUEL WORLD, WHY?!?!?!?!"

He blankly stared at them when the doorbell rang. He jumped off the table, oddly not falling to his cruel demise. "Oh, my Mom's here!" he smiled widely.

Then again, considering he didn't have the Wishing Cap on, he probably had learned everything from Ezlo.

"Beth…Beth's still here? No fucking wonder! That bitch!" Midna shouted and ran to the living room where the door was wide open-how, she'd never find out-and Beth was standing small on the ground. "YOU BITCH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

Beth's eyes widened as she stared up at the girl. "Vaati…what's the matter?"

"Oh, yeah, THAT will turn out good." Jane sarcastically stated.

"Fuck this." Midna growled, setting up the noose and walking over to it.

"BITCH, MY NOOSE!" Jane took the noose away. "Bitch, it's mine." She placed it in her pocket again.

"DAMN IT! FUCK, WE'RE GOING BACK IN TIME AND THAT'S IT!"

Two seconds later, Jane was glaring at the Minish. "You step on her and we'll make sure she's dead."

Midna did just that….fifty times.

Jane stared at the bloody horror. "Yeah, that's dead."

"BITCH, YOU STAY DEAD AND FUCK UP YOUR SON'S LIFE!"

"WOOT," Jane exclaimed happily.

Midna stomped on her again, hard, "Your turn."

"No, I'm good." Jane looked queasy.

Hylians rushed by the two girls, scared as to why they were stomping absolutely nothing.

"Okay."

"Alrighty," she flinched as Midna stomped on her one last time.

They went back to the present.

"VAATI," Midna called out.

And there, sitting at the table_ sobbing_,was Vaati.

"Okay, what did we do wrong _**THIS**_ time?"

"……"

Midna placed in the porn video to see Vaati sitting in a chair sobbing while the others had sex. "Oh shit."


	2. The Other Reality

A/N: The next chapter of the incredibly random fanfic/RP.

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns almost everything but my friends, Beth, and I. Yay Nintendo. Jane also owns the Time Machine™. Teen Titans Abridged, A Christmas Story, J.K Rowling, Disney, Twilight Princess Abridged, and Batman also own something. Oh, and, remember when I said something about Steven Spielburg…? This is that something.

--

"Vaati….why are you sobbing?" Midna asked.

"My mom's tragic death scared me from life! You know this!" he sobbed harder.

"What did _**you **_do now?" Jane hissed.

"I think I over did it…."

Jane facepalmed herself, "We're going back?"

"No, we're going to keep emo angsty Vaati." Midna replied in a voice laced with sarcasm. She rolled her eyes. "Of COURSE we're going back! Back…**BACK TO THE FUTURE!**"

She suddenly blanked out and Jane waved her hand in front of her face.

And, then, Midna snapped back to attention. "Sorry, internet went down for a second. ...And I may have went downstairs to grab a cherry cough drop to suck on cause they're tasty...Or three....BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE, WE'RE GOING...**BACK TO THE FUTURE!**"

Instead of questioning what the fuck she was talking about, Jane replied tiredly, "Past."

"Whatever."

And thus, our two….heroes….or whatever the fuck you want to call them, went back in time.

"So, remember. Step once, make sure she's dead, LEAVE." Jane reminded her as Midna nodded. "There she is! Go get her!"

Unsurprisingly, Midna…tackled her.

**SPLAT!**

A huge grin overcame her fact. "She's dead!"

"Let's go." Jane ordered.

"Yes ma'am!"

They stepped in the Time Machine™ and went back to the present.

"If this doesn't work…" She was cut off by Midna's shouting.

"VAATI," Midna shouted.

"I will kill myself." she finished.

"Oh, please don't." Vaati frowned.

Jane hesitantly glanced at him. "He better be a prick still."

"Hytwilian, what the fuck are you wearing?" he glanced at her outfit. "You look like crap."

And it was true, her outfit was blood stained to no end.

"YAYZ," Jane hugged Vaati tightly as she exclaimed, "HE'S A DOUCHEBAG AGAIN…and you know I'm serious because I used a z instead of an s."

"Get the fuck off of me." He pushed her lightly, although it made her fall to the ground.

"Oh, yeah, you CERTAINTLY told me that the first time." Jane scoffed, speaking of the time he had paid to have sex with her.

"First time…?" Vaati gave her a confused look.

"YAY, my record is expunged!" Jane glanced down at her finger, only to find no wedding ring. "CRAP!"

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!" Midna cheered with her.

"I'm off to patrol the streets," she announced, winking.

You see, Jane had met her husband while patrolling the streets as a hooker. It wasn't the greatest way to hook up, but, hey. It got the job done.

"Oh, here it is." Vaati handed her a wedding ring. "You dropped it when you went off with Hytwilian."

"Oh, okay. Haha, I wasn't really gonna…" she put on the ring and drifted off.

Vaati kissed her. "It's alright, sweetie."

Jane and Midna's eyes widened in shock as their mouths hung open, noise uttering from them, not even a gasp.

"Hey…Vaati…" Jane began a bit hesitantly. "I got amnesia; can you tell me what happened again?"

Midna nodded. "Yeah, we both got amnesia."

He gave them a suspicious look before sighing. "Okay. We met in therapy and hit it off. Then we got engaged and married."

"Therapy…of course," she smiled. "Um, okay."

"Why did you go to therapy?"

Vaati shrugged. "My mother was tackled and died. It was very tragic and I just couldn't get over it…"

"Right…tragic…" Jane glared at the other girl.

Midna laughed nervously and whispered to herself. "Maybe I _should _have just stepped on her once…"

"How's Uncie Ezlo?" Jane decided to play along.

He glared at her. "Leave that prick out of this, Jane."

Jane frowned. "Sorry, I must have forgotten that as well. What happened there?"

Vaati frowned also. "Sorry, sweetie…hmph, even Hytwilian can tell you that one, though."

Midna's eyes shifted nervously. "I, uh…well…umm…"

"We hit our heads…HARD. We were on an adventure." Jane lied. "We're both missing things of our lives. Like who Midna's with and who can we hook her up with if it's no one?"

Vaati sighed. "Fine, well, you both remember me stealing the cap, right…? Hmph, she's dating that asshole Link."

"YAY, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE ONCE MORE!" Midna pumped her fist in the air. "So, Uncie Vaati, how are you today?" She grinned.

"Wait, wait, I'm missing something, aren't I? Oh well." Jane shook her head.

"That's one thing I regret." Vaati sighed sadly. "Being the uncle of her and Serenity…"

"I'm sorry we can't choose our own family."

"At least I get free sex from the person I love." He grinned as he walked off towards the kitchen. "What do you two want to eat?"

"OH DEAR DIN, HE'S GOING TO FEED US!" Midna hid under the couch. "NO, DON'T MAKE ME EAT IT!"

"Just a sandwich, please," Jane ignored her.

Midna shivered. "Do you know what happened the last time I asked him to make me a sandwich?"

Jane blushed, still off-put about the sex comment. "What happened?"

"My food tried to eat me! It's still on a rampage in my old house!"

"That sounds like just a normal day…"

Vaati came back into the room with a sandwich on a plate and handed it over to Jane. "Here you go."

Midna eyed the sandwich with great discomfort.

"Thank you, sweetie," Jane looked down at it.

"Why are you under the couch?" he eyed Midna.

"Because I'm scared, Uncie Vaati," Midna cried.

"FOOD EAT YOU!" The sandwich roared as Midna yelped in fright.

Jane simply bit into the sandwich, finished it, and lived.

"How come that keeps happening," Vaati shouted in frustration.

"You're too powerful to make a simple sandwich is all?" Jane tried to comfort him.

"I'll be right back." Vaati walked back into the kitchen with the unclean plate.

"So are you going to keep it this way…?" Midna asked, popping in the porn tape.

"I…don't know."

"OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT. I FUCKING HATE TIME TRAVEL! LOOK! LINK IS LICKING SHAD'S CHEST AND LICKING SHADOW'S EARS! WHICH COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING," Midna shouted just quietly enough NOT to get Vaati to hear.

"Vaati's the hero?"

"Yeah," she hissed.

"And…Link is…well…Link's not?"

"How the fuck did **that** happen?! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES LICKING SOMEONE'S CHEST AND SOMEONE'S EARS MAKE YOU A VILLAIN?! AND DAMN IT, HE'S LICKING VAATI'S CHEST, TOO!"

"…I…don't need to see that…" Jane blushed once more.

"THIS IS SO DISTURBING NOW THAT VAATI IS MY UNCLE!" She was frozen solid in fear. "GET IT OFF, I CAN'T EVERT MY EYES!"

Jane pulled out the tape.

"Phew." Shamefully, Midna put the tape away. "Okay, game place. I saw we look for my fiancé. If he's a villain, we go back in time. If not, you're stuck with Vaati as a husband."

"Alright, sounds like a plan. Vaati," she called.

"Yes…?" Vaati walked in.

"We're going to go find Midna's bastard husband…fiancé…"

"Have fun."

"BYE UNCIE VAATI!" Midna gave him a kiss on the cheek and quick hug before skipping off.

"Love you!"

"Love you, too, Jane." The door shut.

Jane froze.

"Why'd you say 'love you'?" Midna raised an eyebrow.

"I…don't…know. And…I…" she gulped, "Meant it."

"Oh crap."

"Let's go, now."

"FAST," Midna ordered as Batman music played. "NANANANANANANANNANANANANANA BATMAN!"

**TIME SKIP**

"And that's exactly why I want a red ridder's beebee gun. I, er, mean…that's exactly why I want you to let us in."

"Seriously…Girl Scout cookies," Dark eyed them.

"Yeah, Girl Scout cookies," Midna nodded.

"They're yummy." Jane winked.

"Look, I know your Link's fiancé…just go." Dark sighed.

"Yay," Midna darted ahead.

Jane followed.

"LINK," Her voice echoed off the walls.

Jane…followed.

"What do you want?" Link walked into the room, letting out a dramatic sigh.

Midna sighed, an irritated look, which seemed to be reserved for Jane, crossed her face. "He's a prick."

"Crap."

"Oh, Midna, too excited for the wedding and want to have sex now?" he let out a suggestive growl.

She rolled her eyes. "Sigh, of course I do." Immediately, she clasped her hands over her mouth.

"Really," he asked in an overly excited tone and gained an excited look. "You never say yes to me! I…er…mean…of course you do sweet cheeks."

Jane cocked her head to the side suddenly. "Am I a slut?"

"Yeah," Link replied.

"Crap? Did I sex you?"

"You did, once. Cost a fucking lot, though."

"GOOD!"

"…No wonder why Vaati hates him…" Midna murmured.

"I'm an EXPENSIVE slut, though." Jane grinned.

"Let's get out of here before I pounce on him and rip his clothes off. I have the strong urge to and I'm scared."

"Alright…though I'm sure he wouldn't mind that."

Midna darted off, Jane following…again.

The two stood outside, Midna pacing back and forth.

"Okay, so, issues. You actually have feelings for Vaati. I actually want to sex that perverted womanizing slut."

"Brb," Jane announced.

"THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BRB! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GO WHEN YOU BRB?! YOU JUST STAND IN FRONT OF ME ALL ZONED OUT AND WON'T RESPOND UNTIL YOU ANNOUNCE THAT YOU'RE BACK!!!!"

"BACK," Jane shouted excitedly.

"WTF," Midna yelled.

"You have heard of a time vortex theory, right?"

"No."

"After you spend a certain amount of time in a different reality, you start to feel the feelings and emotions like you _should _instead of how you _want_ to…like…usually you would not want to sex the womanizer. But, because you're stuck in 'Now You', not 'Real You', you want to sex him up and down…am I right?" She winked.

"Yes!" A sloppy grin fell over her face before she clasped her hands over her mouth once more. She unclasped them. "I mean yes! DAMN IT! In that case, you want to sex Vaati up and down and then eat all of the sandwiches he makes because he's super adorable and awesome to you! Right," Midna winked this time.

Jane blushed, "Bitch."

"I rulez…oh, wait, I suck. I did this. Damn."

"Yeah, so, are we going to change it or give in?"

"But I want to have sex with Link!!!" she whined. "GAH, SHUT UP!"

"Either now you will sex Link up and down the halls after your wedding or in about an hour…so…"

"And you're going to end up having crappy spaghetti with Vaati and pull a Lady and the Tramp, right?"

"Correct…but I'm not an expensive slut in the other reality…I AM, but, Vaati ripped me off that one time."

"Obviously, in this reality, you DON'T get ripped off."

"Exactly, but, I miss Oliver."

"Hey, we should see where Oliver, Kay, and Sere are in this reality!"

"Yeah," Jane agreed.

"Then we can make up our minds! Let's go!!"

The two walked through the town and past alleyways when Midna suddenly pointed down one. "Hey! There's Oliver! And…is that Shad? Why is my dad having sex with my other reality uncle…?"

"Oliver's gay here?" Jane gasped.

"Well, now, that's just ironic!"

"Well, it IS an alternate reality."

Shad glanced up and blushed. "Babe, there's girls here."

"Oh!" Oliver exclaimed.

"Daddy," Midna started to run up to give Shad and a hug and stopped when she realized he had no clothes on. "…Never mind."

"Nope, I think they might be bi!" An excited expression crossed Jane's face.

Oliver covered himself up, blushing brightly.

Jane glanced at Oliver and mused over him. "He always was a little shy."

"No, we're gay. Who are you, little girl?" Shad answered Jane before glancing down at Midna, putting a book in front of his business.

Midna frowned. "I'm Hytwilian."

"Damn. Watch out for a paper-cut!"

"OW, PAPER-CUT!" Shad shouted.

Jane, Midna, and Oliver sweatdropped at the distressed shout, shaking their heads sadly with a sigh before the girls asked their question.

"Do you know Kay?"

"Yeah, she's on the other street." Oliver pointed ahead.

"Oh, so KAY got my unlucky patrolling job." Jane chuckled.

"MOMMY," Midna ran ahead.

"Nice to meet you guys." Jane followed after her.

"MOMMY," Midna shouted again as she tackle glomped Kay.

"GAH," Kay fell roughly on her back.

"Kay…?" Jane poked her with a stick.

"Oh, hi Mids, hi Jane," Kay waved from the ground. "What up, home skillets?"

Midna got off of her and helped her when Kay suddenly snapped at someone.

"Shadow, stop chasing pigeons," she ordered.

Jane and Midna sweatdropped for the second time that day while they watched a blur run around.

"But it's fun!" A voice protested-obviously Shadow's.

"You're chasing all my customers away." Kay sighed.

"Fine." He stopped. "How are you sweetie?" Shadow questioned as he ruffled Midna's hair.

"Qua…? Are…are you my Daddy?"

"Of course…?" Shadow ruffled her hair again.

"JANE, LET'S GO FIND SERE!" Midna walked quickly, leaving behind Jane.

"Where's Sere?" Jane turned to Kay.

"Iono," Kay shrugged, walking off with Shadow.

Jane soon caught up with Midna and they passed down other alleys. One contained Sweeney Todd fucking Salt.

"Psh, some things never change." Midna sighed, shaking her head.

The two passed by a duck and zebra getting it on.

Midna didn't say anything as she passed by it with a very very confused expression.

"Hey, maybe she's in here?" Midna pushed open a door to a wand shop.

"Oh shit. Is…is she with….oh my fucking god."

"Oh my Nayru," Midna gasped.

"POTTER?! I think I just died…tragically." Jane announced.

Sere whirled around, "Auntie, twin?"

"Hey there, Sere, just…wondering where everyone is, is all."

Midna shook her twin by the shoulders, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Harry Potter waves to Midna, "Hey, Mids."

Jane grabbed Midna roughly by the arm. "We should go now. Nice seeing you guys!" She dragged her out of the wand shop.

Midna began to sob all of a sudden. "I WANNA FUCK LINK!" She smacked herself. "DAMN IT SHUT UP ABOUT LINK!"

"We're leaving and going back." Jane flatly stated as she dragged Midna.

"I WANNA FUCK HIM!"

"It'll be okay. We're going back to my and Vaati's house and I'll say good-bye and we'll change the past."

"Wait…why do you want to say good-bye?"

"You wanna fuck Link? I actually love Vaati? Do you remember any of this?"

"Oh. Sob. It's like a tragic romance."

"I've never actually seen someone SAY sob when they're sobbing…and I want Oliver back, but, he's gay here."

"NEVER TO BE TRULY TOGHTHER," Midna continued on her tragic romance rant crap.

"Nothing against gays, but…I WANT MY MAN BACK, DAMN IT," Jane shouted.

Midna opened the door to the house. "Fine, I get it."

"Thank you."

"UNCIE VAATI, WE'RE BACK!"

"Hm," He glanced up from something.

"What the fuck is that?'

"What's that?"

He put the Four Sword away, shrugging, "Just polishing something."

Midna shivered. "That's just too ironically disturbing."

"Well, honey, Midna and I are going on another quest, okay?" Jane smiled weakly.

"Another quest," Vaati raised an eyebrow.

"Adventure, sorry, wrong word, we might be gone a while this time, too."

"Why don't I come? I'm getting restless and don't want you two getting hurt." He hugged Jane.

Midna cut in once more. "Sob."

And then, Jane was crying. "It'll be okay. We'll be back and everything will be alright." She kissed him. "Alright, let's go before I can't."

Vaati wiped her tears away after kissing her back. "If you're sure…have fun."

She smiled sadly. "We will, sweetie."

He tried to brighten the mood up slightly. "And don't bring back another pet!"

Grinning, she nodded, "Aw, alright."

"Why the fuck is there a zebra in the living room…? You know what…don't answer." Midna shook her head and stepped into the Time Machine™ with Jane.

She grinned as they were back in the past. "I NO LONGER WANNA SEX LINK! Well, yeah, I do, but, not until I'm like twenty…"

"Only step on her once." Jane ordered.

Midna glanced over at her before she did anything. "Are you sure you'll be alright…?"

"Yeah, let's just rip out my hear quickly." Jane sighed.

"Okay…" Midna frowned.

**STOMP!**

**SPLAT!**


End file.
